13 Different Ways: A Tube of Blistex
Thirteen different ways to look at a tube of Blistex:
1. Inactive Ingredients: beeswax, camphor, cetyl alcohol, dead babies, goat’s milk, the blood of christian babies, monkey semen, the callogen from Raquel Welch’s ass, oxyclean, terrorism, unnatural fear of white suburban youth, isopropyl stearate, lanolin, menthol, methylpaben, mineral oil
2. She sits there at the bus stop. It’s 13 degrees Fahrenheit out here and she’s in a mini skirt and thigh highs. She doesn’t flinch as the wind rips by her. She just sits, applies the cherry scented Blistex to her lips, smiles, and then crosses her legs…slowly. If my eyes were lasers, her thighs would be covered in burn marks.
3. The old man’s lips were a mess of sores and puss. Years of unchecked Herpes gave him a mouth that shouldn’t be allowed near anything you would ever want to touch. He smeared the Blistex into the open sores hoping for some relief from the pain.
4. It cost eighty nine cents. I can’t believe that I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I can’t even afford a tube of Blistex. God damn it. The cracking, the burning, the pain…it’s unbearable. I should just take it. The asshole behind the counter isn’t even looking.
5. If this fucker steals that Blistex, thought Omar, I’ll grab the shotgun under the counter and shoot him. Come on asshole…take it.
6. The couple separated. They’d been kissing for hours and when their mouths pulled apart, each of them had the telltale wrinkles that meant they’d be in store for some pain later tonight. He handed her his tube of Blistex, she passed it back to him, and they went back to business.
7. Thanks man. Thanks a lot for the lifetime supply of Blistex. Really thoughtful. I mean, sure, I lost my lips in an accident with a drill press five years ago, but don’t worry about that. I’m sure this won’t serve as a constant reminder of my shortcomings. Dick.
8. James knew that the KGB agents were coming down the steps behind him. As he jumped down to the next landing, he took the tube of Blistex that Q had given him from his pocket. He smeared it down the length of the bannister and then started back down. The KGB agents got to that bannister and the next thing James heard was the sound of them falling down that flight of stairs.
9. When Mike woke up, he quickly determined that he’d been dropped in the middle of the woods. With no pack or supplies, he knew that he’d better figure out something fast. Figuring that fire would be good, since he was getting pretty damn cold, he collected as many small sticks and leaves as he could. That’d make good kindling, he determined. He checked his pockets and found that whoever kidnapped him left him his lighter and the tube of Blistex he’d bought that morning. He took the Blistex and emptied it on to the pile of leaves. The alcohol should help get the fire started quickly.
10. “These are the victim’s possessions.” said the coroner.
O’Reilly looked through the basket. Some keys, about $100 cash, a tube of Blistex, and a magazine for a .45 caliber pistol.
“No identification? No gun?” he asked.
The coroner became annoyed and pointed at the box. Then, enunciating each syllable, he stated again, “These. Are. The. Victim’s. Possessions.”
11. The vibrator king of University City closed up his shop. He walked down Delmar towards the Metro station with nothing but joy in his heart. As he was crossing the street to the train station, a homeless man asked him for change. He checked his pockets and all he came up with was a tube of Blistex and fifty cents in dimes. He offered all of it to the man and the man gladly accepted. The man’s lips had been chapped for a week. Now he’d have relief AND a cup of coffee.
13. “Can I use your Blistex?”
“What? No…that’s gross.”
“C’mon…my lips are all cracked.”
“Dude. I don’t want your lips on my anything.”
“I’m clean. Pleeeease.”
“Where in the hell were you raised? Maybe if you were a hot chick…”
“You could pretend.”
“I’d have to be pretty drunk.”
